Dear Reader,

As many of you know, we lost our son this past week. He was 34 years old at the time of his death. How? He made choices and alliances that were not good for him. Why? “Why” is a question not in need of an answer. It only leads down a path that will pull me with it. I have my guesses as to the “why,” but that is all they are and not worthy of sharing at this time.

I am again reminded of the ant illustration from my last post “Kairos.” Go back and read it if you are unfamiliar with the imagery. In summary, the ant was given direction and it chose the safety of what it knew rather than venture into the unknown that held the fulfillment of the promises made. This illustration has played over and over in my mind. The ironic thing is that I put that blog onto the website just before I found out about Stephen.

My son was given choices, and as with everyone God Loves, free will is given. And every choice good and bad, has a consequence or reward, maybe both. However, when we choose life, obedience to Christ, the rewards are eternal. I think of the admonishment in Matthew about laying up treasures in heaven where moth and rust cannot destroy. I also think of the admonishment from Christ to seek the Kingdom and all these things (our desires and what we deem essential) will be added unto you.

 (Side question: Why did Jesus say “seek first the kingdom” and not “salvation?”)

Finally, I think of the Psalm 37 that says, “delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

It is the desires of the heart that people seek. If the heart is filled with darkness, it is darkness it seeks, if it is filled with light, it is light it seeks.  With counsel we are more likely to make good choices if the counsel is sound. In isolation, self is the measure rather than Christ and things are more likely to go awry.  In our natural self, we seek the self-gratification of microwave answers rather than wait for the God timing and Kairos moments.

“Where?” was the question, I asked God first. “Where is my son now?” The truth is, I’ve been assured in many ways and times that He knew God, had a relationship with God and at the memorial service he was commended to God. The devil didn’t win. Sounds so strange. If the devil didn’t win, why isn’t he here with me now? Another “why” question. It’s okay to ask them, just don’t chase them.

Our lives upon this earth are so short in the grand scheme of things. A mist, grass, flowers fade… However, eternity is forever. I am incredibly grateful to have known my son, to have spent time with him—quality time, talking of life, love, and freedom in Christ. I had just come to the place where I knew I had shared all I could, and He knew the truth. God alone knew the choices he would make. The bases were covered as far as faith and what I could do was concerned.

Life is to be cherished.

 Always.

My Grandmother was a psalmist. She could play the keys off an organ or piano like nobody I know. My cousin inherited that legacy, and he is the most blessed man in that regard. My mother inherited the legacy of song. She has a song for everything and that has passed onto her children. We’ve been sharing with each other what songs are in our hearts these days.

Legacy.

In times of difficulty and heartache we can lean into the legacy and faith of those who go before us in life and in death. We can lean into the hurt and let it pass like an ocean wave without being caught in the riptide of grief. We can remember what God has done, and gain strength and be grateful.

My heart hurts beyond compare. I will remember Stephen’s compassion and love for Jesus that knew no bounds…literally. He went into places I would never go. But he went alone with regard to his faith and this was his downfall. He needed a someone of like mind beside him who also loved Jesus so they could remain accountable to one another and encourage one another to make those good choices.  There were good people in his life, I don’t mean there weren't . And he did have many who loved him and could have helped him make better choices…if he had reached out. However, like many of us, we don't understand what it means to live within a Christian community. We often don't realize that a life of faith is not  personal. Our life of faith effects others around us making it very much a community thing. Most often, we typically don't realize we need others on this journey, or we are too prideful to ask. Is this what happened to my son? Maybe, I suspect a large part of it is.

We were never meant to live our life of faith alone. If we had, Eve would not have been necessary. God’s creation of which we are a part, was meant for community. The enemy of this faith is not fear, it is unbelief and pride. They will trip us up every time if we don’t get a handle on them.

May your choices be life, may your days be filled with things that remind you of the goodness of God.

Blessings,

Anne