Excerpt from The Journey
Choices and expectations
This excerpt is from a book I am currently editing and will eventually publish. It has been in process for a while now. I did put one version out some time ago, but since then new perspectives and revelations have come to light that I wanted to include. It is gaining chapters and insight. So it is no longer available except for a few print copies of the old version.
The story is an allegory of a woman who has many questions about faith that she is tired of ignoring or simply dismissing as "mystery." Have you, the reader, ever gotten tired of living as if the questions don't exist? Have you ever simply chosen to believe what someone else believes simply because it is easier? I have. The only problem is, when hard times hit or more questions pop up, what someone else believes is not as stable as what I believe and know for myself.
So this is where the woman is in her faith journey and as she follows the path she has found her self on, she is finding the answers in unexpected places and through unexpected company. This excerpt is from about a third of the way through the book and much has happened before this moment. We pick up after she has met up with another group traveling together along the same pathway. After having camped in a clearing along side the path the night before, this conversation takes place the next morning. The Woman was on her way to continue her journey and at the edge of the clearing there is a split in the path. She has to make a choice and she doesn't want to make a mistake.
The sun was rising and there was movement in the camp. I decided to move on, but I needed to find the path first. I walked the perimeter and finally found it just on the other side of the clearing. There were three entrances to choose from. One of the travelers appeared from around the corner ahead as I was contemplating which one to take. He smiled.
“Which one?” I asked Him, gesturing toward the paths. Maybe he would know the answer having been on the path longer than I, or so I believed.
He shrugged, “Not a clue,” he replied, offering me an amused smile and returning to his task. “You take one and I’ll take the other, we’ll see if they meet," he suggested, over his shoulder.
I’d have done it too if I hadn’t seen the sparkle of amusement in his eye before he turned away. I was a little annoyed and feeling a bit dismissed. The comment seemed snarky to my ear. Ignoring my feelings, I decided to pursue the issue of the path. I had been so focused on my own objective I'd failed to consider that he also had a focus. While I was contemplating paths, he was in the process of carefully choosing branches and sticks and adding them to the growing pile nearby. Looking around, I helped add to the pile.
“Haven’t you been doing this awhile?” I asked a bit surprised at his calm acceptance that there was two and not just one entrance to the path.
“Oh, for about ten minutes,” he answered. Confused, I stopped and looked at him. He was grinning. “The wood. I’ve been gathering wood for about ten minutes.” He said pointing to the growing pile of stick with a laugh. I couldn’t help but smile. There was no offense meant. He wasn't being snarky in his earlier comment. He seemed like a fun person and I remembered his silly dance I had observed from the night before.
“No, I mean the path," I clarified and followed up with, " Haven’t you been following the path for quite a while?”
“A bit,” he answered, respectfully. Seeing my seriousness regarding the path, he abandoned the jokes to answer my questions. “We’ve run into spots like this before. The answer comes clear. We pray. We listen. That was part of what we were doing last night, stopping to listen to the Holy Spirit to reveal the next steps. Nothing has become clear yet. We are just waiting for everyone to report in this morning before we start out. Sometimes there is no wrong answer and we can choose whatever we want to go or we just start walking and the answer comes clear in time,” He offered.
“Then it becomes necessary to retrace steps and adjust,” I added, thinking about my own journey. I was already doing that…walking and trusting that something more would come clear and adjusting as needed.
"But how do you know that the choice doesn't matter and any way is a good way? " I asked.
"People are not puppets. God doesn't direct our steps as one would a robot. Rather, we are free to make choices. God knows the choices we will make, He will warn us if it is a wrong one that will hurt us or someone else or not work to our benefit. He works all things out for our good, as the scripture says. However,some hard lessons can be learned from a distance rather than from in the middle of trouble. So, God gives red lights, so to speak. If we hear nothing specific we just make a choice and start walking. When we are in tune with Him, if correction is needed, it will come. "
I looked at the entrances to the path again. He seemed to not be afraid of choosing the wrong thing and making a correction. I wasn’t quite sure why that seemed so profound but I felt like someone had opened a window in a stuffy room somewhere and I was finally feeling the breeze. I turned to speak with him, but he’d already picked up the wood and was headed back to camp. The message was clear: Conversation over. I could follow him back to camp or not, choose a path or not. Where I was from, etiquette called for an invitation to follow or at least a “goodbye.” In my experience, his choice to just walk away without a word could be taken as rejection or insult or acceptance. I stood for a moment not sure what I felt by his decision or what I should do. He was obviously not bothered by the uncertainty of choices to be made regarding the path and he wasn't concerned about what I was going to do, but the conversation, to him was over.
"Things are just done differently here." Came the thought. I wasn’t sure why, but I was sensing more than one new perspective invading my thoughts, and I couldn’t quite define them as they were still in process. Yet, I could not find it in me to be offended or disappointed, I was glad for the expanded view of life presented.
What would it be like, I wondered, to have no one expecting me to do anything? What if there was no offense taken by anyone by my choices? No balancing act between what I wanted to do and obligation. Just acceptance without judgment! I smiled. Freedom.
I was in the process of turning back to the paths, having at least made a choice to continue on, when he turned and with a amused tilt of his head called out, “Do you want some tea?” He awkwardly shifted the sticks he held in his arms, dropping one or two. Another difference. Usually, people offer coffee from where I was from. Tea was different. Oh my, what a day of adjustments for me, and it was just getting started.
I laughed and changed my plans. The path could wait for a bit. Tea sounded great, coffee better, but tea would do. Abandoning for the moment, the next decision of which path to take, I followed him back to camp picking up wayward sticks that happened to fall from his arms….
There are so many things in this excerpt. I'll try to do unpack a couple here.
First, there are personality types that like to examine every choice and then choose. If no fear or anxiety is involved, then it's just a personality trait and no problem there. But that wasn't what was going on in the story above. That desire to examine the choices and choose does not become an issue unless it is complicated by fear or pride.
It can be frightening to make a mistake. I once had a counselor say to me with admonishment, "You aren't piloting a plane, no one is going to die if you happen to make a wrong choice, are they?" I can't even remember what it was that I was deciding. Probably something like what job to take or not take or whether or not to travel somewhere. It can also be frightening to be successful, because with success comes responsibility and more choices! Catch 22 here. EEK!
Over the years what typically slowed me down in making choices was that I did not want to disappoint or hurt anyone (fear). I also did not want anyone to think badly of me (pride). I wanted to be loved and well thought of (I was looking to others for identity, didn't realize it). However, after further reflection ( and many confusing moments), I realized those "expectations" were often my own fabrication. I projected my own ideas of what was expected upon another person based upon what I would do or how I felt. Why? Preemptive strategy. I wanted to head off any adverse effects of my standing and what others thought of me.
The revelatory truth, regarding this pattern of thinking, came out of a series of confusing moments when what I was trying to avoid happened anyway and it wouldn't have happened, if I'd just done what I wanted to do in the first place!
Did you follow that?
The uncomfortable and cringing revelation was this: To speculate or assume people think like we do is not only misguided, it is a bit arrogant. Why? Because it makes US and how WE SEE the world as some kind of measure for everyone else as if it is the ONLY perspective that is worthy of consideration.
Secondly, it is also IDOLATRY to look to others for identity. God has already identified us as HIS, sealed with Holy Spirit and a part of the church Jesus is building and the Kingdom of which He is King. He says we are forgiven, beloved, whole, a work of art with purpose and destiny! Why would someone else's opinion of us matter?
I did not even know I was doing any of this. It had become an automatic way of navigating the world. When I realized it, repentance (180 degree turn, STOP IT!) was the only redemptive fix. No, it wasn't easy. But it is doable with Holy Spirit's help.
The only measure we should be using is the one revealed in Scripture and that measure is based upon LOVE. FAITH. HOPE.
it was for freedom we were set free from the law of sin and death. Why would we want to live under the kingdom of darkness and the laws of sin and death, fear and anxiety? As believers we can boldly step in the way He has for us and in the freedom which He brought us through His victory.
While there ARE absolutes, guidelines for life set for us in Scripture, and it is a GOOD thing to be considerate and wise when making choices (large and small), it is quite another thing entirely to hold others (and ourselves) accountable to the laws of expectation WE CREATE because they seem "right" to us.
It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1
Further study: Romans 8, 1 Corinthians 13,
Grace and peace,
~Anne
